Welcome Letters from my former students
At the end of each school year I have my students reflect on the school year. After some soul searching they each write a letter to my future students on how to survive my English class. Below are the favorites voted on by my students. Enjoy!
Dear Poor, Unfortunate Souls,
Welcome to Mr. Lawton’s English Class! I have three words for you: Good luck surviving! As you read this, remember everything I talk about, and remember it the whole school year.
Everything I tell you in this paragraph you must ALWAYS do and remember. First, you must always come to school prepared with a charged iPad, pencil, and notebook. Always do your daily grammar because he checks your notebook, because when he checks your notebooks, he won’t tell you when you missed a day. NEVER talk about how you’re so lonely and no one loves you, like Dino. ALWAYS keep quiet, or else, expect an email home to your parents. Always say “May I…” Never say “Can I…” or else he’ll be a smart mouth and say, “I don’t know what you’re capable of.”
Let’s start this easy, never be 3rd period. Don’t ever sass Mr. Lawton or he’ll find you and hit you with his truck. Don’t be a Rothwell or Brian with an I (I is for igloo). Don’t break the pencil sharpener because you’ll die (R.I.P Kendal) Don’t ever say you need to charge and try to sit by your friends because he’ll tell you to use the extension cords he has. Last but not least, DON’T EVER make fun of his handwriting!!
Good luck surviving your school year in Mr. Lawton’s 7th Grade English Class!
Dear 2019-2020 Kids,
I am one of the survivors of 2018-2019 of Mr. Lawton’s 7th grade English class. Here are some tips to survive Mr. Lawton’s class. Eat Talkis in his class, eat hot Cheetos, always talk about Lil Pa, call him dad, Toddy boy, Todipiler, always ask to play silent ball, flip water bottles, try to make paper clips bounce, and ask when you are getting new seats. Oh wait, that’s how to get killed, never mind! I think you will do fine. If you get him Bangs, Rockstar Recovery, or Mnt Dew Kick Starts he will be your friend. Always ask how his weekend was and have fun!
You have chosen to enter the forbidden pact known as Mr. Lawton’s English class! Turn back if you still can! You tread the path of many an unfortunate soul!
Okay, but let’s be real. Talking or whispering at all will make it impossible for Mr. Lawton to concentrate on not getting mad at you, so just hold your peace. On top of that, you should absolutely always eat while you have the chance, but DO NOT trade or share the food. This will get the food banned faster than you can say “Taki”. If you’re bored, one both safe and fun activity I want you to try is passing notes, as long as they are completely blank.
There are also many things you should absolutely NEVER do. First, do not even go near the whiteboard when you play Quiet Ball. Additionally, Mr. Lawton’s map doesn’t like hugs, so NO TOUCHIE THE MAP. Don’t write slowly during Daily Grammar either, or your tablemates can and will yell at you louder than Mr. Lawton even can.
Follow these tips and you might make it out unscathed. Otherwise, you could end up like my class. *shudder*
All too sincerely,
You’re now in 7th grade English class, you won’t survive unless you do what I say. Matt Fraser will keep you safe and also make you Mr. Lawton’s favorite student. Matt Fraser is a CrossFit buff guy who could shatter your skill with his biceps, triceps, and especially his thick thighs. But he’s probably too busy drinking BCAAs and competing in his CrossFit games with all his super buff friends.
Mr. Lawton takes pride in a lot of his stuff in his classroom. His beautiful Wisconsin cheese head, his shiny gold and hot fantasy football trophy, and his stress ball that isn’t soft. By the way, compliment on his priceless artifacts that shine and gleam on his book shelves.
Mr. Lawton apparently enjoys liquids, like a lot! From Mountain Dew Kickstart, to Rockstar Recovery drinks. Studies have proven that Mr. Lawton’s diet consists of 50% healthy Mountain Dew, which is the main ingredient on his food chain. Mr. Lawton claims that he has no feelings. If you’re wondering how Mr. Lawton is so buff and ripped, give yourself a moment and rummage through his drawers and pull out the 3-pound bag of pure protein, plenty of BCAAs, and truckloads of whey. This drawer contains 30% of his diet. We as students studied Mr. Lawton’s food habits on a daily basis and we have found a shocking discovery…we don’t think he eats food! We think the reasoning that he doesn’t is because his crimes of taking our food away have left a scar that will never heal.
Just some words of caution, Mr. Lawton strategically keeps two baseball bats by his desk. A small one for decent kids, and a massive one for the back row. His desk is also known as his natural habitat. Mr. Lawton takes commas seriously, his posters say eat grandma, and cook kids and pets. For more recipes, I think he has a cookbook in his natural habitat. He also speaks two languages, English and Pig-Lawton. Mr. Lawton’s wardrobe consists of Wasatch at its finest. Compliment his muscles, he’ll wink at you if you do. Mr. Lawton’s fave students are probably the back row, including myself, but most importantly Braden Curtis. Braden and Mr. Lawton were pals from the beginning. Mr. Lawton aged a lot faster than Braden did. Braden is the godfather of his kids, and also birthed his hot cow Betsy.
Treat his map with kindness for it has found a soft spot in his heart. But all in all, he’s a good teacher and will release you if one of your friends zip-ties your hands together *cough *cough Richie *cough.
Krazy Keegs (Keegan Bright)
Mr. Lawton’s Class
Welcome to your English class! You may not think that it will be fun but it’s not all that bad… unless you don’t follow the rules. For example, Tanner never followed the rules… it was a rough year for him.
The first rule is NEVER TALK! The only time you can talk is when he tells you to… trust me I have a year of experience. At the start of the year you have privileges: eating, table groups, and going to the library. Trust me you don’t want to lose these; English will get really boring.
Mr. Lawton also has weapons. He has two baseball bats; one is smaller so he uses that one for the people closer to him… his other one is longer which he will use for the people that are farther away. He also has a baseball, but that’s for the runners.
I hope you will follow these rules so that you will have a fun year. I for sure didn’t. Hopefully you will, good luck!
How to Survive Mr. Lawton’s English Class
First things first, if you’re reading this it’s already too late. Mr. Lawton"s class is a house of horrors. I’m in his honors class, and I can only imagine what it’s like in his normal classes. In this letter, hopefully you can learn to survive the 2018-2019 school year. You’ll learn what to do, and what definitely NOT to do. Let’s begin with the former…
DO wait until the end of class to throw your trash away! This is HUGE! If you don’t, you could end up in the trash. DO keep it simple. He hates it when you over think things. DO keep to yourself. He remembers everything, and he WILL use it against you. DO stay in your seat. Once, a kid randomly stood up in class, and now he’s dead (not really, but he just might as well be). DO fall in love with his hecking adorable baby (he obviously didn’t get his cute genes from Mr. Lawton…). DO pretend like you are going to use the useless information he teaches you later in life. Unfortunately, for you, that’s just the beginning…
DON’T be like the three T’s, Timmy, Tommy, and Tammy (the names have been changed). DON’T ever mention them when Mr. Lawton’s around, or he will pulverize you. Those guys were the ones that finally pushed him over the edge. DON’T mention skiing. He hates it, and he will fight you. DON’T comment on his laziness. If he has to write something down that’s too long, he’ll get mad. DON’T comment on the chairs. They are super uncomfortable, but maybe that’s just me. Last but not least, DON’T have big expectations. I used to enjoy English class…
Basically, don’t get on his bad side. By the end of the school year, you are going to have a whole bunch of mental scars (and maybe some physical, too). If you follow these do’s and don’ts, you have a small chance of making it out alive.
Anonymous (I’d sign my name, but he would find me and he would kill me)
How to Survive Mr. Lawton’s English Class
Surviving Mr. Lawton’s English class is really quite simple if you know what you’re doing. You need to bring a couple things like a pen or pencil, a book, like always because the days that you forget to bring a book he’ll say “OKAY PULL OUT YOUR BOOKS!” and you won’t know what to do because you’re too socially awkward to go up to him and ask for one. Or is that just me? Yeah? Okay… Oh yeah. You’ll also need to bring your computer charged because you’re going to have to use them a lot.
Okay, let’s talk about the no-no’s. Don’t pull your phone out during class because he’ll take it away and you won’t be happy about that because you millennials are overly attached to your phones. DON’T PROCRASTINATE. I cannot exaggerate how important that is. If you procrastinate, you’ll fall behind and that’s not good considering the amount of work you have to do daily Don’t ask dumb questions because Mr. Lawton hates them.
Okay now you need to know something about Mr. Lawton. He sometimes likes to slam the door in your face if you’re there too early because he claims you need to “socialize” which is complete bologna in my opinion but hey, that’s not my problem anymore. IT’S YOURS. CONGARTULATIONS WELCOME TO SEVENTH GRADE ENGLISH. IT ONLY GETS WORSE FROM HERE.
How to Survive Mr. Lawton’s English Class
First of all, I am Elyse Larsen, (Mr. Lawton’s favorite). You will need some tips before you keep reading so here’s some, don’t talk too much, always apologize, don’t chew gum, and get on Mr. Lawton’s good side. I have had many funny stories and experiences in Mr. Lawton’s English class. My first day of school was a blur that I can’t remember but I have some other stories of throughout the year.
About a month before school was coming to an end Mr. Lawton walked into the room wearing a very interesting T-shirt. The t-shirt in general was fine, but the buttons on the t-shirt were very unusual. Me, being an interesting and curious child, brought it up holding back my laugh. I believe the conversation went something like this, “Mr. Lawton, what’s up with the buttons on your shirt. “What?” I cracked a smile, “What is wrong with the buttons on your shirt?” There was a roar from the students in the class as it irrupted with laughter. He responded, “They are normal size, now let’s talk about Onomatopoeia.” He was trying to change the subject, but I wouldn’t let it slide that easy, “They're huge!” I responded, this time laughing and trying to keep my words straight. He covered the buttons with his hand. Feeling self-conscious he responded, “I have another shirt like this, but I am definitely not going to wear it!” the class sounded like a hundred stomping elephants as they roared with laughter.
Another time, Mr. Lawton was drinking a “healthy” mountain dew which is an oxymoron may I remind you, if you don’t know what that is, you will be learning what it is in the end of the school year. As he sipped it someone piped up exactly what I was thinking and said “you know those things can kill you” he gave us all a glare as he finished gulping the mountain dew. We brought this up because in health class we had just finished talking about how energy drinks can kill you. I know what you’re thinking, Mt. Dew isn’t an energy drink. Well, this specific one was an energy drink called Live Wire. “It isn’t an energy drink he would state.” “Ah Hu, sure Lawton, whatever floats your boat.” Some would say.
Mr. Lawton was always wanting to be healthy and stated he was even if he was eating panda express. Because he was eating broccoli he thought everyone thought he was healthy. Even though he wasn’t. Once a girl named Ariana piped up and said after he was talking about seeing a different girl in the class at the gym. “You go to the gym?” She wasn’t trying to insult him but It was hilarious either way. All these experiences have not taught me anything about English, or figurative language, definitely not about being polite or correct grammar, but it has taught me about some other important things.
I have found that even though a lot of the kids in the class, I didn’t even know, I can relate with. Not only that but that other children have hardships and have problems but still find the light in life. Mr. Lawton’s English class taught me academically but also socially. It opened my eyes and showed me to embrace differences and challenges but also to laugh at problems with someone not at someone. In all, Mr. Lawton taught me to be myself and not care what other people think, and I thank him for that, and all 26 students in the small classroom to put me on the path I am on now, to embrace who I am and love myself for that. Thank you 2017-18 English class for everything and I hope the English classes in the future will have as amazing of an experience I did.
Things you should do:
Always say thank you
Have good days even when the day started bad
Try to make friends
And of course, be like me, if you want to be Mr. Lawton’s favorite… Oh yeah, and have fun!
How to Survive Mr. Lawton’s English Class
There are a lot of things in Mr. Lawton’s class that you will need to know. I have condensed them into 5 things that you should study or else you will not make it through the year. I didn’t really condense anything I’m just following the instruction document on the board. But it did sound cooler, anyway the 5 things are, what advice I would give you on how to survive this class, what were the hardest parts of the course, things to never do, things to always do, and what will students need.
Some advice I would give you guys (and girls) is, don’t be annoying and do NOT abuse the privileges you have. The privileges are eating food and being able to do fun stuff. Just be good in class and get your stuff done and he will rarely get mad at you. My class was probably the worst class ever so we would lose every privilege and no one would stop talking. So if your class is good you don’t have to worry about losing any privileges. With all this, you will survive English.
The hardest parts of the course weren’t really that bad only if you payed attention but if you didn’t pay attention you are dead and you will fail. But what really was challenging for me was the reading log because you have to read every single day. The other part of the course that was really hard was SAGE because the whole test is just boring and it takes forever to get it done and it is a really important test so you have to do your best.
Things to never do in this class are very simple and anyone can tell you this, don’t talk out of turn, don’t throw food (I did that once and we got our food privileges taken away), don’t spill soda, don’t yell, and do NOT fall asleep in class, and do not play games in class. I’m sure there’s more but to me, those are the most important things to never do. Again, anyone could’ve told you this but since this is coming from someone in the class and has experienced everything bad that could happen during a school year.
Things to always do are very simple you just do the opposite of the previous paragraph but there’s a little more to it. They are, stay in your seat, always work on things form THIS class, pay attention, and don’t talk with friends when the teacher is talking. Also, whenever writing anything in this class, write big paragraphs. Lastly, in the bell ringers, write a lot.
There are a lot of things you will need in this class: lots of pencils, a fully charged computer, listening ears, and just be ready to learn. I know, I know that was very cheesy but I’m being completely honest. Just be ready to learn and do the things to always do and don’t do the things you are not supposed to do.